As an artist it is important to have an outlet for artistic expression. For dancers they need a stage and actors a camera and painters a canvas. Whatever the artist if you don’t have a place to express yourself in your own way, it can be depressing and it can hurt.
While I have had assignments lately for a magazine, I don’t always have the freedom to say anything I want. Yes I understand the reasons for this and it makes sense. I know I can’t shine that harsh a light on sleepwalkers, it’s bad for them. I know have to do my job and that does not include my own agenda or anyone else's for that matter. That’s the logical and mature side of things, the reasonable part of me.
The whinny crying baby artist in me wants to pout and throw a temper tantrum and say, “It’s not fair!” While it may not be fair, it the fact of the matter that life is not fair and I don’t get to do everything my way. Sure I know that, everyone has to deal with that fact of life. Unless they are in denial like my mother, who knows for a fact that everything is someone else’s fault, it is never herself. When she doesn’t get her way or fails it is always something out of her control, someone was being a big meanie!
While I refrain from that kind of behavior, it does hurt when things don’t work out the way I want them to. I mean to say it really hurts. It hurt me in my chest to do a piece that was not up to my own standards. I had to finish it and get it over with and move on to something else anything else, the dishes, letting the dogs out. I am fine now and I know why I reacted the way I did.
With this blog I am able to do things my own way and it has spoiled me. I don’t have an editor or boss telling me anything. I try not to be self-indulgent, if I go out to the mall I always bring something home for others, not just me. If I go to a book signing I think of a friend that might want a signed book by this writer as well.
Why all the fuss that I didn’t get to do things my way? The stereotype of an artist being sensitive and crying over things that no one else would think is that big of a deal, or what they would consider ‘just work’ applies here. Yes I was upset because I was told, No. I do give good gifts to my friends and I am generous. Maybe I do all that to cover over the fact that deep down I am a selfish artist and I want my own way all the time and I don’t want anyone to know that since I am afraid no one will like me after they find out. Is that another form of self-deception and my friends already know this about me? All I can say at this point is, thanks for reading my words here on this, my outlet.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Door Knock
In the last few weeks with the fires we have seen on the news the Police going from door to door and telling people to evacuate. Sometimes it has been voluntarily other times mandatory.
Does it make you think, what if it was my turn? What would I take along, what is most important to me and my family? It’s good to plan these things, some of get scatterbrained at such times and can’t think. A little forethought would be helpful if that is you. For me I am pretty steady and my steadiness rises during a crisis. I do not panic and I think clearly, something I can’t take credit for, I got it from my dad.
Last night I got that door knock, there was a chemical spill on my street and all the residents were asked to walk up three blocks and wait at the corner of a major street till we were told it was safe to go home. I was alone and grabbed these things: my good walking shoes, a sweatshirt with a front pocket, my cell phone and my wallet so I had ID with me. I asked the Police if it was okay to take my dogs and they said sure as long as they were on a leash. I had changed into my sweat pants, but changed back into my long denim skirt I had worn to work since it would offer better protection in the cold night air. The front pocket on my sweatshirt helped me get to my cell phone while I had three dogs to take care of.
The rest of my neighbors were not so prepared and the parents didn’t tell their kids to put on proper footwear and so they were complaining about the cold cement and how they were barefoot. How long does it take to put on flip-flops? My dogs thought it was just time for a walk and they pulled on me till I took them on our usual route. Which was fine since it took up time and helped me take my mind off the danger to my home.
It also gave me time to think. If the Cops and Firemen had not gotten there in time and I hadn’t had a chance to get out of harm’s way, what then? If worse had come to worse, I felt okay. I had just spent the last few days giving presents to my friends, just because and not for the holidays. In the last 24 hours I had been able to hug and kiss my friends, people that are important to me.
As it turns out everything is fine now and we were able to get back into the house by 8pm. I am still grateful for giving all my friends gifts and letting them know how I feel about them. It’s never wrong to do the right thing. As for the Police, they did a great job. I know they told me to leave for my protection and they are trained professionals. If they ever have to knock on your door, listen to their direction and do as you are told. Don’t forget to put on your good, comfortable, durable shoes.
Does it make you think, what if it was my turn? What would I take along, what is most important to me and my family? It’s good to plan these things, some of get scatterbrained at such times and can’t think. A little forethought would be helpful if that is you. For me I am pretty steady and my steadiness rises during a crisis. I do not panic and I think clearly, something I can’t take credit for, I got it from my dad.
Last night I got that door knock, there was a chemical spill on my street and all the residents were asked to walk up three blocks and wait at the corner of a major street till we were told it was safe to go home. I was alone and grabbed these things: my good walking shoes, a sweatshirt with a front pocket, my cell phone and my wallet so I had ID with me. I asked the Police if it was okay to take my dogs and they said sure as long as they were on a leash. I had changed into my sweat pants, but changed back into my long denim skirt I had worn to work since it would offer better protection in the cold night air. The front pocket on my sweatshirt helped me get to my cell phone while I had three dogs to take care of.
The rest of my neighbors were not so prepared and the parents didn’t tell their kids to put on proper footwear and so they were complaining about the cold cement and how they were barefoot. How long does it take to put on flip-flops? My dogs thought it was just time for a walk and they pulled on me till I took them on our usual route. Which was fine since it took up time and helped me take my mind off the danger to my home.
It also gave me time to think. If the Cops and Firemen had not gotten there in time and I hadn’t had a chance to get out of harm’s way, what then? If worse had come to worse, I felt okay. I had just spent the last few days giving presents to my friends, just because and not for the holidays. In the last 24 hours I had been able to hug and kiss my friends, people that are important to me.
As it turns out everything is fine now and we were able to get back into the house by 8pm. I am still grateful for giving all my friends gifts and letting them know how I feel about them. It’s never wrong to do the right thing. As for the Police, they did a great job. I know they told me to leave for my protection and they are trained professionals. If they ever have to knock on your door, listen to their direction and do as you are told. Don’t forget to put on your good, comfortable, durable shoes.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Good
Feeling good about ourselves can be difficult. Some days we just get up and feel spry and wonderful. Other days we just feel fat and dumpy. It could be changes in hormone levels or just the fact that we over ate the night before.
For some reason we have feel great in our favorite outfit and then our hair will be all wrong and then that blows the whole evening. Photos of myself make me cringe; it’s as if I never have a chin. It’s silly I know, and it could all be attributed to us being much too hard on ourselves.
When I get into my belly dance outfit and look at myself in the mirror all I see is the bad stuff that I hope and pray not one else is focusing in on. I don’t feel great or sexy or anything, just fat and dumpy. For some strange reason all of that goes out of my head when I am dancing. I really do love it and sort of going into a trance or other place and all of a sudden I don’t care and I just have fun. I know this is difficult to accomplish since I will be performing in front of people. Somehow I try to just focus on the dance and then I don’t care if someone thinks I’m fat in the audience.
Of course no one tells you that and people seem to like seeing me. It’s only when I am at home doing a dress rehearsal do I feel this way. I guess old baggage from my family and any insecurity I have just creeps in. My teacher and friends are so supportive and keep me thinking in a more positive way about myself. I don’t doubt my dancing skills; I have always been a good dancer. I just want to make sure everyone else thinks the same and not one wants to get up and leave during one of my performances.
If all else fails I will at least be able to say I had one heck of an outfit on! That should make even the most camera and stage shy person feel good about themselves. It sure helps me.
For some reason we have feel great in our favorite outfit and then our hair will be all wrong and then that blows the whole evening. Photos of myself make me cringe; it’s as if I never have a chin. It’s silly I know, and it could all be attributed to us being much too hard on ourselves.
When I get into my belly dance outfit and look at myself in the mirror all I see is the bad stuff that I hope and pray not one else is focusing in on. I don’t feel great or sexy or anything, just fat and dumpy. For some strange reason all of that goes out of my head when I am dancing. I really do love it and sort of going into a trance or other place and all of a sudden I don’t care and I just have fun. I know this is difficult to accomplish since I will be performing in front of people. Somehow I try to just focus on the dance and then I don’t care if someone thinks I’m fat in the audience.
Of course no one tells you that and people seem to like seeing me. It’s only when I am at home doing a dress rehearsal do I feel this way. I guess old baggage from my family and any insecurity I have just creeps in. My teacher and friends are so supportive and keep me thinking in a more positive way about myself. I don’t doubt my dancing skills; I have always been a good dancer. I just want to make sure everyone else thinks the same and not one wants to get up and leave during one of my performances.
If all else fails I will at least be able to say I had one heck of an outfit on! That should make even the most camera and stage shy person feel good about themselves. It sure helps me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
