Happy Face

In my 38th lap around the sun, I some how been about to hold on to my optimism. I don’t really know how by the way. I’m not as cynical as some might think, I may say flippant remarks as a way to not talk about what is really bothering me, but deep down I want things to go well and want the best for my friends.

Sometimes it seems so wildly impractical of me to still think that there can be a happy out come to what should really be a tragedy. I have no contact with my mother and sister, and even though I prefer it that way, it’s because I have been so hurt by them that staying away from them is part of my survival skills. I know they won’t be in my life and that’s fine, but I want them to be successful and happy with out me.

I always try to find the good side to things and it’s not easy, since life can stink and it does a lot of the times. I laugh at the most horrible things. I have gained this sick sense if humor from my Dad. One person I have known said I have an “f-up” sense of humor. That is true by the way, maybe I am laughing instead of crying like I really want to.

I was not allowed to cry in front of my mother and sister. Both of them seemed to find it a weakness and I was told to ‘toughen-up’. Not that it was in my nature, I have always been more sensitive, which yes I know…..that contradicts the sick sense of humor. It’s not that I don’t feel bad when things go wrong, I just have learned to laugh at life and keep going.

So the few things I have learned is this: to laugh when nothing is really funny, to smile even when there is little hope things will get better and to pour myself a big drink. I also have learned to keep thinking of the few good things I have and focus on them. It seems I should really tell my friends this more often, so they don’t think I am so mean. I try to be happy with spending time at the beach and dancing in my class on Monday nights, and I try not to bemoan the fact that I haven’t been out dancing in forever. I stay at home and cook most of the time, to cheer myself up I use the nice napkins and buy myself flowers and tell myself it’s better to have something interesting to eat a home that be bored going to the same places over and over. Plus it’s healthier.

I do have an active imagination and I can always go into my dream world when all else fails. It may not seem like much and it may be silly and overly simplified, but it gets me though the tough times like every-day.

Since I have these coping skills not every knows what I am going through. Some how I have been able to show the world a Happy Face, but that’s not the whole story. It’s just that no one wants to hear all my tales of woe, they would rather see me be happy and smiling and telling jokes. That is okay, I can do that, too. :-)