Outlet

As an artist it is important to have an outlet for artistic expression. For dancers they need a stage and actors a camera and painters a canvas. Whatever the artist if you don’t have a place to express yourself in your own way, it can be depressing and it can hurt.

While I have had assignments lately for a magazine, I don’t always have the freedom to say anything I want. Yes I understand the reasons for this and it makes sense. I know I can’t shine that harsh a light on sleepwalkers, it’s bad for them. I know have to do my job and that does not include my own agenda or anyone else's for that matter. That’s the logical and mature side of things, the reasonable part of me.

The whinny crying baby artist in me wants to pout and throw a temper tantrum and say, “It’s not fair!” While it may not be fair, it the fact of the matter that life is not fair and I don’t get to do everything my way. Sure I know that, everyone has to deal with that fact of life. Unless they are in denial like my mother, who knows for a fact that everything is someone else’s fault, it is never herself. When she doesn’t get her way or fails it is always something out of her control, someone was being a big meanie!

While I refrain from that kind of behavior, it does hurt when things don’t work out the way I want them to. I mean to say it really hurts. It hurt me in my chest to do a piece that was not up to my own standards. I had to finish it and get it over with and move on to something else anything else, the dishes, letting the dogs out. I am fine now and I know why I reacted the way I did.

With this blog I am able to do things my own way and it has spoiled me. I don’t have an editor or boss telling me anything. I try not to be self-indulgent, if I go out to the mall I always bring something home for others, not just me. If I go to a book signing I think of a friend that might want a signed book by this writer as well.

Why all the fuss that I didn’t get to do things my way? The stereotype of an artist being sensitive and crying over things that no one else would think is that big of a deal, or what they would consider ‘just work’ applies here. Yes I was upset because I was told, No. I do give good gifts to my friends and I am generous. Maybe I do all that to cover over the fact that deep down I am a selfish artist and I want my own way all the time and I don’t want anyone to know that since I am afraid no one will like me after they find out. Is that another form of self-deception and my friends already know this about me? All I can say at this point is, thanks for reading my words here on this, my outlet.

Door Knock

In the last few weeks with the fires we have seen on the news the Police going from door to door and telling people to evacuate. Sometimes it has been voluntarily other times mandatory.

Does it make you think, what if it was my turn? What would I take along, what is most important to me and my family? It’s good to plan these things, some of get scatterbrained at such times and can’t think. A little forethought would be helpful if that is you. For me I am pretty steady and my steadiness rises during a crisis. I do not panic and I think clearly, something I can’t take credit for, I got it from my dad.

Last night I got that door knock, there was a chemical spill on my street and all the residents were asked to walk up three blocks and wait at the corner of a major street till we were told it was safe to go home. I was alone and grabbed these things: my good walking shoes, a sweatshirt with a front pocket, my cell phone and my wallet so I had ID with me. I asked the Police if it was okay to take my dogs and they said sure as long as they were on a leash. I had changed into my sweat pants, but changed back into my long denim skirt I had worn to work since it would offer better protection in the cold night air. The front pocket on my sweatshirt helped me get to my cell phone while I had three dogs to take care of.

The rest of my neighbors were not so prepared and the parents didn’t tell their kids to put on proper footwear and so they were complaining about the cold cement and how they were barefoot. How long does it take to put on flip-flops? My dogs thought it was just time for a walk and they pulled on me till I took them on our usual route. Which was fine since it took up time and helped me take my mind off the danger to my home.

It also gave me time to think. If the Cops and Firemen had not gotten there in time and I hadn’t had a chance to get out of harm’s way, what then? If worse had come to worse, I felt okay. I had just spent the last few days giving presents to my friends, just because and not for the holidays. In the last 24 hours I had been able to hug and kiss my friends, people that are important to me.

As it turns out everything is fine now and we were able to get back into the house by 8pm. I am still grateful for giving all my friends gifts and letting them know how I feel about them. It’s never wrong to do the right thing. As for the Police, they did a great job. I know they told me to leave for my protection and they are trained professionals. If they ever have to knock on your door, listen to their direction and do as you are told. Don’t forget to put on your good, comfortable, durable shoes.

Good

Feeling good about ourselves can be difficult. Some days we just get up and feel spry and wonderful. Other days we just feel fat and dumpy. It could be changes in hormone levels or just the fact that we over ate the night before.

For some reason we have feel great in our favorite outfit and then our hair will be all wrong and then that blows the whole evening. Photos of myself make me cringe; it’s as if I never have a chin. It’s silly I know, and it could all be attributed to us being much too hard on ourselves.

When I get into my belly dance outfit and look at myself in the mirror all I see is the bad stuff that I hope and pray not one else is focusing in on. I don’t feel great or sexy or anything, just fat and dumpy. For some strange reason all of that goes out of my head when I am dancing. I really do love it and sort of going into a trance or other place and all of a sudden I don’t care and I just have fun. I know this is difficult to accomplish since I will be performing in front of people. Somehow I try to just focus on the dance and then I don’t care if someone thinks I’m fat in the audience.

Of course no one tells you that and people seem to like seeing me. It’s only when I am at home doing a dress rehearsal do I feel this way. I guess old baggage from my family and any insecurity I have just creeps in. My teacher and friends are so supportive and keep me thinking in a more positive way about myself. I don’t doubt my dancing skills; I have always been a good dancer. I just want to make sure everyone else thinks the same and not one wants to get up and leave during one of my performances.

If all else fails I will at least be able to say I had one heck of an outfit on! That should make even the most camera and stage shy person feel good about themselves. It sure helps me.

Icon

Over the last few weeks I have had an opportunity to see some Icons both Pop and Dance Icons.

The first was a Pop Icon and her performance with other Pop stars. It was something and I enjoyed seeing all. What is it about these larger than life persons that keep us coming back? Just to see what they do next, there is something to be said about their hard work and shows that is entertaining and fascinating. Why not go and see them?

It’s been said that it is hard to have this larger than life people in our vicinity. That it can be difficult for others, making them feel bad. As if they could never do these things or reach the heights of success, which should not be. It should be an inspiration not a discouragement. It doesn’t mean you have to be exactly like them. Could it push you to do more, and keep going? Why not think of it in those terms?

I can’t see being so in awe of someone that it would make me discouraged. I have gone up and talked to some of these ones and I always treat them as a person. They still have to dress themselves and they get up and toast their bagels like everyone else. I can’t think of their act as what they are like in real life. It’s an act, a show that’s the point.

Maybe I am just too realistic and logical for the one’s that cowers at the feet of Icons. They didn’t get there without a lot of hard work and sweat and paying their does. There is the rare person that becomes famous almost overnight. The trouble with that is they forever have to work hard to earn it. The ones that rise slowly are able to savor the success when it comes to them, not at once but at last.

I still look up to Icons. If they can do it and are mortals like the rest of us then yes there is hope. What does it take? From all the interviews I have read hard work, hard work and more hard work. Oh and meeting the right people, so no staying at home all the time. Time to roll up your sleeves and get going.

Out

In my weekly plans I usually stay home and cook and watch TV. I watch a lot of movies from old black and white films to cartoon movies. Of course that can get dull and we all need to get out in the evenings and go to a concert or have a nice meal out.

Last night I was treated dinner and a show at Dar Maghreb in LA. I have never understood that some people don’t like to drive far for dinner. Some don’t like to leave Orange County and drive in to LA at all. Driving is one of the pleasures in life. In the last few weeks I have been up to LA a few times.

Sometimes for writer’s events and like last night to support my belly dance teacher and see her perform in a showcase that will be ending soon. And from my experience last night it will be a loss. The food and service was really top notch and the honey lamb alone was worth the drive. The other event was a concert and it was worth the drive as well. I can’t say it was the best concert I have been to but it was something to see, very much the Pop Icon event.

I know I like to travel and not everyone does, but with all there is to see and do around here in Southern California it’s a crime not to go out and see some of it every once in a while. Of course if you can’t afford it that yes you have to stay in, it’s worth saving up and going out to see a show after a while and since you’ve been good and saved, it makes it that much better when you do get to go out.

For me the besides the dancing and the food, there was the sight of the full moon over the city. Driving by down town LA and seeing the skyline with all the lights on the buildings was great to see, it’s so pretty at night. It was a great night to be out.

Social Scene

In the next few months there will be more occasions for people to get together. While some of us look forward to all these social events it does mean we will all end up in some scary situations.

I have already had a few and will share what happened and what I did about it. First there is the racist couple at a recent dinner party. I have had this happen from time to time. They sit and talk about how things are in your country or neighborhood of origin. These are never kind remarks, but you are at a party with your man's work mates. This is not the time to call them names. Change the subject to something you might have in common. I changed the topic to travel and let this couple know I have been to Europe a few times in the last few years. Later I talked about dogs and we mentioned our favorite breeds. The husband talked about surfing and we both had that in common.

The second sticky situation is being in at a table with someone you just met or were forced to sit next to. At a writers conference I was sat next to a woman that looked at me as if she couldn’t understand how I was in the chair next to her and not part of the wait staff. Again using a bit of grace and good old fashioned manners, I was able to talk to her about property we used to own in her area. She looked shocked that I knew anything about real estate markets. I asked her about herself, when all else fails and you don’t know what to say, let them talk. People love to talk about themselves and you just sit there and don’t have to say anything more than, “oh, really.”

While these were similar situations, in both called for good manners. The funny thing is that some of my friends think that I can talk to anyone and that I make friends easily. I can when I want to, but in some of the time I am just listening to others talk and laughing. I am not telling them my deepest fears or making friends, just being polite. I can make it look fun and make it look like I am having fun, when I am just trying to be social and not make a scene.

Cleaning house

The term ‘spring cleaning’ brings to mind mothers airing out the feather beds and going through the house and making sure every nook and cranny is clean. I missed the spring and am getting to it now.

It can be scary that two people can gather so much stuff. I have talked before about not having kids on this blog and I have to say my stuff would run over any kids things. I don’t even have room to house a guest. Well I didn’t till last week, but now it’s nice and clean and there is plenty of room.


This maybe the least interesting thing about me. Yes, I like to cook and clean. The reason I bring it up is only because it makes me feel good. When I am waiting for things to happen in the rest of my life I need a project to work on. At my job I audit myself to get things done. At home I need to clean and purge my house of extra things that I don’t need. It’s all about using my time for positive things and keeping too busy to worry about things I can’t change or things I have no control over.

I have just finished working on my book and after working on a long project like that the house does need to be paid attention to. At my office there is cleaning that can be done and I will get to that soon. As for the rest that I can’t control I have to keep praying about it and leaving it in more capable hands than my own. If nothing at all I can clean up and use my energy in a positive way. I might still have things on my mind but I will be too tired to worry about it for a long time and there is nothing like a nice clean house that you can invite your friends to.