Girls Night

I have felt like an outsider most of my life. As a writer I enjoy watching people and not really getting involved just observing.

This usually is fine, when it hurts is when I am invited to a girls night like last Saturday and I had no one to really talk to and stood around like a nerd. At my age it shouldn't bother me as much. Most of the time I can get away with it and no one notices. At readings I have sat in the back with a drink and it seemed fine.

There are lots of times when I am alone and I really enjoy it, when I dance, surf and read. When I practice in my living room for a performance. Even while I am on stage, I'm alone and it doesn't seem odd.

Being with a group of women, some of whom I have known all my life I was on the outside. While I have been mostly glad to lose a friend, I needed her that night. It was a bummer not to have a side kick to laugh with.

Instead I had to answer questions about my mom. Did I know how she is? Is my sister ok in San Diego? I didn't know she was there. I have not spoken to my family in years. For the most part I like that as well. Needless to say I left that party early. It may have made my mother look like a crazy person. It seems she talks of me all the time, its old news since I haven't spoken to her in more than 10 years.

As I was growning up my mother made sweeping statements about my character. All of which were untrue. I am not comfortable being the friendly one, I like being quite. My father said I would scare easily. I have proved them wrong more times than I care to count. They know nothing of it since I don't share with them, but I know. Its enough. Next time I have a girls night it will be with women I like.